THOUGHTS N FEELINGS

Downtown News is For Sale, And We Wanna Buy It

   This past week, the LA Downtown News publicly announced that it is up for sale. As shared in a heartfelt editorial by founder/editor Sue Laris, Downtown's 45 year-running local rag is looking for a buyer to bring in some fresh new energy. Thus, it's with great excitement that we announce our plan to buy the LA Downtown News! While we don't have any money to offer, what we do have is a vision:
   We'll be launching new editorial features, including "What's In My Tent?," an exclusive look inside local homeless encampments by Skid Row-based journalists (NOT the police), "Frowntown News," a weekly segment where we respond to lonely Downtown gentrifiers seeking millennial love advice, and "Bike Theft Therapy," a transcribed venting session between a cyclist whose bike was stolen to and a Metro Bike Share user.
   We'll overhaul the graphic design and make sure the paper better competes with its simpler, sleeker competition. Expect a lot less text and a lot more photography, all by way of Instagram posts tagged #dtla. Every few months, we'll take the most #wow-worthy photos and print a fancy coffee table book chock full of them, available for sale at all the trendy art bookstores and museum gift shops in the area.
   The Downtown News' knack for pervasive puns can continue. In fact, we will encourage them to get even punchier. We'll give readers a sense of just how many political zingers and bouts of wacky word play they're in for by including a Pun-o-meter at the top of each article, ranking them on a spectrum from "Dry as a City Attorney's Reelection Race" to "Holy Chicken Mole Jon Regarde's On A Roll-e Tonight!"
   Last but not least, Dan Johnson will be promoted from lowly weekly contributor to Rabblerouser-in-Chief – the highest editorial position possible – and will be paid tremendous sums of money to write about anything he wants. Though we'll make sure even with all this extra cash on hand that he still aims to eat most meals for under $8.72.
   We're excited for this opportunity and hope LA Downtown News considers our timely, passionate, money-free bid for purchase.

Who knows what will happen to the LA Downtown News. Hopefully they accept our offer! (image via Los Angeles Downtown News)

Who knows what will happen to the LA Downtown News. Hopefully they accept our offer! (image via Los Angeles Downtown News)